From early rising to non-caffienated insomia
Reading someone else's blog, they mentioned how ironic it is that during this time of year, we look forward to a rest but instead are faced with one of the most busiest months of the year. Obviously, retail and Christmas don't mix well. But it is true in our own lives.
This trip, as much as I'm looking forward to it, I'm wanting to just rest. Instead, I find myself looking up so many things, anxious about preparing for a solo, international trip. What have I gotten myself into? A perfect position to learn and have an adventure; to test my patience; to test my perseverence; to test my self. Do I bring my laptop for convenicne or get away from it? Ironcially, to bring it would cause inconvenience. I don't know if it's just my self-proclaimed attention deficiency or my womanness, but this constant back and forth only goes on. Easy answer, forget the laptop. You have more healthy pros than healthy cons taking it.
The laptop issue is only one thing. I sometimes fear how I can just lose a grip of myself in situations where things are plummeting me from all sides; meeting a friend, making sure I'm secure, paying for fees, observing flight times, knowing where to go and when. I'm afraid that all the wisdom I've prayed for won't come when I need it, or I'll lose at using that pre-bestowed wisdom when I need to. I lose myself when I'm too busy. And that's the key concern: busy-ness.
I'd gotten one of those many surveys that have you fill out stuff and then forward your answers to friends via email. One was good. It had you review your year, lists your firsts and worsts, etc. This year, I thought I'd never moved forward, but I did indeed and will have a number of firsts.
This year, I want to be less busy in being preoccupied with myself. For once, I want to feel like I'm moving forward with things. Hopefully a foundation of sorts will help me, in living for others. Hopefully, this "newfoundation" that I've encountered recently will be just that.
I have no idea why I wrote the last sentence that way, but I think the lack of self-editing will be part of my therapy tonight.
posted by R.D. @ 11:21 PM
3 comment(s)
3 Comments:
Hurray for lack of selfediting! The first move away from selfpreoccupation. (don't take that too seriously.) I hope your progress is sure.
Fear of the unknown is, shall we say, exceedingly natural in a long international trip. There are so many variables and so little to be foreseen that you are truly taking your destiny in your own hands and THAT is scary. It ought not to be shunned on that account. It's just an oppotunity to learn what happens when there's no defenses and it's just you versus the world. Who is going to come out on top depends on what kind of fabric you're made out of. Remember you have an edge on destiny, though. You have ingenuity, a powerful weapon against fate.
I'll most likely be making a trip from California to Missouri on my motorcycle next summer and most likely camping on the way. Not nearly as ambitious as your planned journey, but if I may say so, more exposed to the elements. And I'm scared, too. I'll get to find out how it will be, when it's just me versus the highway and the cold and wet. I don't know which will come out on top. Though I may be scared I'm not worried. For there is always ingenuity - always plastic bags, duct tape, and zip ties, always people who will lend you a phone...
wow, that was long. Sorry. I'm in the middle of studying for my lab final and I'm procrastinating.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
The above comment was mine, sorry, I hadn't signed in.
Have a blessed New Year...
Funny; I somehow already thought it was you and didn't even realise you had posted as "anonymous". And thanks. /goes to post Christmas well-wishes in your blog.
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