Shallowness

I hate how I am made of some of the things I hate. I love it when I can enter a medium that allows me to truly be the things that are both who I am and who I want to be.

[disclaimer: no, this is not a pity party]

Lately, I've been rediscovering my shallowness in public. I'm going to restrain myself from feeling resentful towards those who seem to keep up a "good" image of being cool, wittily but bluntly honest, and not wishy-washy because they shouldn't be my problem (yet I just implied it by typing it out anyway, hah- coping mechanism). Besides, almost everyone is liable to have some level of shallowness. I confess to like being witty with a tad bit of sarcastic humour and blunt honesty but I'm not always like that by impulse. Which makes me wonder if that's just how I truly am: awkward, ditzy, not quick-witted. I guess I am, but I also possess the ability to exist at the opposite end of the spectrum, therefore I'm both, just not simultaneously. But why does it bother me that what I don't like to be comes out when I don't see it (or anything) coming? Why can't I accept who I am at the moment and take relief in the fact that I'm not always in an unpreferrable state all the time? Sure, so certain sides of me come out when the moment is right and when I, to some degree, can control it, but which is more me: what I do by impulse, or what I am able to do consciously?

I'd like to remember to be firm against those stupid, immoral jokes at work and trash my impulsive grin that seems so willing to emerge without my consent.

I am a hypocrite. I want to practice my moral beliefs at all times, but I don't. I guess, at the back of my mind, I also want other people to know this or at least understand, fearing that I might leave a lasting bad impression upon those with whom I could actually relate to. I am truly pathetic :P

Oh well. Onward, soldier for self-confidence and defender of dignity!